I’m what many people call ethically non-monogamous, which means I have agreements with everyone with whom I’m romantically involved that they are not the only person in my life in a sexual sense, and vice versa. Put another way, I take many lovers. (Which I’m pleased sounds like something your fabulous grandmother who lives in LA with a boyfriend half her age might say.)
I’m a classic social introvert, which means that while I really enjoy being around people, I recharge my internal battery (metaphorical, I’m not a robot!) by being alone — preferably snuggled in my bed watching some sci-fi or reading some good literature. I’m also ethically non-monogamous, which means I date multiple people and all the people I date know there are other people I’m also dating.
I just got onto OKCupid in late December (I know, I’m late to the game, no judgment) and I’m fascinated by it — because it’s basically an unending menu of Brooklyn cuties, but also from a nerdy research perspective, there’s just so much data out there because of it. Anyway, I was lying in bed recently, mousing through profiles, when I realized something interesting: I was “liking” way more non-male-presenting folks than I had been a couple weeks earlier. (Background: I identify as queer and am excited by all gender presentations but am currently finding myself mostly with cis males.) And I had a thought — there’s all this research about how women are more attracted to more masculine men when they’re ovulating (whatever “more masculine” means; let’s fight about it in another article), but I haven’t seen any parallel research about whether human desire changes across gender throughout the month.
We’ve all had that moment. You’re talking about that person you’re dating, and suddenly a descriptor pops out of your mouth that sounds a bit off. Or alternately, someone asks you about your “boyfriend” or “partner” … and it just sounds wrong and you bristle.
Most body parts have names, and that’s sorta where it ends. I call my elbow an elbow and don’t think any more of it. However, when it comes to parts imbued with a certain sexuality — especially our genitals — the game is completely changed. Buzzfeed ran a quiz on how many words readers knew to describe male and female genitalia, respectively, and got 80 penis synonyms and 70 vagina synonyms. The folks over at the National Coalition for Men came up with a casual list of 174 synonyms for their junk.
Q: I recently started seeing this new guy who I’m really excited about. He’s poly, which is new for me, but I’m digging the freedom it’s giving me to explore multiple lovers at once without feeling guilty. But my question is, when you’re sleeping with more than one person, how do you stay safe? I’m on the pill, and in the past I’ve stopped using condoms with people once I develop strong feelings for them and we both get tested, but when you’re dealing with multiple people it seems absurdly complicated. I really like condom-free sex with people I love, is this something I can’t have if I’m not monogamous?
Q: I’d like to learn more about how to achieve female ejaculation. I’ve never done it and I really want to, but I don’t even know if I’m capable. Can anyone do it? Are there certain circumstances that can increase your odds? And what is it anyway? Is it just a porn myth?
Talk: “Of Monsters and Men”